What is separation anxiety in children?
Separation anxiety is a child's natural reaction to separation from a parent or other loved one. The presence of loved ones provides a sense of security, while their disappearance is associated with uncertainty and strong emotions.
Psychologists point out that separation anxiety is a natural stage in a child's emotional development. It's the moment when a toddler discovers that they and their parents are two different people. They learn that mom or dad isn't always there. However, they aren't yet certain that their parents will always return – which is why saying goodbye can be so difficult for them.
Separation anxiety – when does it most often occur in children?
The first signs of separation anxiety appear in infants, most often around 7–8 months of ageDuring this period, a child begins to recognize familiar faces, develops stronger attachments to loved ones, and needs their presence more. Even a short separation can cause intense anxiety.
During preschool years, separation anxiety may reappear or become more pronounced. This most often happens when a child experiences new experiences or their daily routine changes, for example:
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starting kindergarten,
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change of group or teacher,
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moving and the new surroundings associated with it,
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prolonged absence of a parent (e.g. business trip),
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birth of siblings and division of parents' attention,
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mom or dad returning to work after vacation,
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change in daily routine (e.g. who takes the child to and from kindergarten),
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more difficult family situations, such as illness or separation of parents,
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first experiences away from home – staying overnight with grandparents, extracurricular activities or going on a trip with a group of peers.
Although it is most often said about preschoolers, Separation anxiety may also appear in older, school-age childrenThis usually involves significant changes and new challenges.
How can separation anxiety manifest itself?
Symptoms of separation anxiety aren't always obvious or easy to spot. Therefore, it's worth paying attention to your child's behavior and identifying signs that may indicate longing and insecurity.
Separation anxiety in preschoolers may manifest itself through:
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crying or screaming when parting,
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clinging to the parent and difficulty entering the room,
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withdrawing from play when mom or dad is not around,
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frequently asked questions: "When will you be back?", “What time will you pick me up?”,
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somatic complaints – stomach ache, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping,
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depressed mood and reluctance to go to kindergarten.
Although these symptoms may seem alarming, they usually disappear as the child becomes confident that the parent always returns and the new place becomes predictable and safe for the child.
Separation anxiety in older children looks different than in preschoolers. Instead of crying upon separation, they are more likely to experience:
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physical ailments – frequent stomach aches, nausea or headaches, which appear mainly in the morning, just before leaving the house,
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sleep problems – difficulty falling asleep, nightmares, and sometimes checking at night to see if parents are home,
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resistance to independent travel – reluctance to go to summer camps, green schools, or even spend the night with friends,
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constant need for contact with a parent – frequent calls, messages or questions: “Are you sure you’ll come for me?”,
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difficulty concentrating – instead of focusing on the lesson, the child thinks back home and wonders what the parents are doing,
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worrying about loved ones – concerns like: “What if something happens to you while I’m gone?”,
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withdrawal from activity – giving up extracurricular activities, meetings with friends or hobbies that previously brought joy.
Such reactions aren't a whim or an attempt to avoid responsibilities. They signal that the child still needs a sense of security and support in coping with new challenges.
How long does separation anxiety last in children?
There's no single answer to the question of how long separation anxiety lasts, as its severity and duration vary from child to child. For many children, the initial, most intense reactions subside after a few days or weeks—especially once the child sees that the parent always returns and that preschool becomes a predictable and safe place for them.
For other children, this process takes longer. Sometimes, they need several months to fully trust the new situation and feel more comfortable separating from their parent. It's worth noting that separation anxiety it is developmental in nature and usually fades away gradually, and each subsequent experience of separation helps the child gain courage and self-confidence.
However, if anxiety persists for a long time, is particularly severe, or begins to impact a child's daily functioning (e.g., frequent abdominal pain, refusal to attend preschool or school), it's worth consulting a specialist, such as a child psychologist. This is often enough to help the child regain a sense of security more quickly, and for parents to find specific and effective ways to support them.
How to deal with separation anxiety in children?
Separation anxiety can be difficult for both the child and the parent. It's important to remember that it's not a sign of stubbornness or ill will, but a natural reaction to separation. A toddler can demonstrate this by: "I still need you very much to feel safe"Therefore, the most we can give him is peace, predictability, and our faith that he will manage step by step.
What can help a child through breakups?
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Short and peaceful goodbyes – Prolonged breakups usually only increase stress. A simple ritual, such as a hug, a kiss, and a wave out the window, sends a clear message to a child: "I'm saying goodbye and I'll be back."
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Consistency and coherence – If we say, "I'll be back after dinner," we keep our word. This helps our child learn to trust and feel more secure.
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Positive attitude – our emotions rub off on our children. It's worth talking about what awaits them at preschool: games, friends, interesting activities.
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Little "safety anchors" – a small gift from a parent (e.g. a handkerchief smelling of mom, a pebble in the pocket) helps the child feel that a loved one is “somewhat present”, even when they are not physically present.
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Preparation at home – conversations, reading books about kindergarten or playing “take the teddy bear home” can help the child become accustomed to the new situation.
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Trust in teachers – Children sense our emotions like radar. If we show that we trust our teachers, the child also finds peace more easily.
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Appreciating the effort – even if there are tears, it is worth noting the child’s courage: "I see it was difficult for you, but you stayed in the classroom anyway. I'm proud of you.".
Separation anxiety usually subsides over time, but until then, a child desperately needs our support. What works best is something that's daily and predictable: small rituals, a calm daily routine, and simple closeness. These signals send a child a message: "I'm safe even when mom or dad go out".
Contact with peers is of great importance. Shared activities such as integration games in kindergarten, give children a sense of belonging and being an important part of a group. This helps them overcome their homesickness and rediscover the joy of playing together.
Equally important are moments when a child can stop, listen to themselves and rest. Calming games for children – both at home and in kindergarten – they help relieve tension and allow the child to feel that all emotions have their place and that no matter how intense they are, we can return to balance after them.
Various work methods in kindergarten They support not only learning but also strengthen children's emotional resilience and self-confidence. It's thanks to them that little ones gradually learn independence and self-confidence.
Summary
Separation anxiety is a challenge, but also a natural stage on the path to greater independence. Each separation, even if it's tearful, is an experience for a child that teaches them that the bond with a parent is lasting and doesn't disappear when they leave the room or disappear from view. It's then that a child gradually discovers they can miss each other while simultaneously playing, laughing, and building relationships with others.
In this process, it is extremely important for parents to know how to support a child's social development. This will make it easier for him to fit in with his peer group and build the self-confidence needed for further stages of development.
Over time, the moments of goodbye become easier, and the child gains the courage to take their steps into the world with increasing confidence. This is an important lesson in trust – in themselves, in their loved ones, and in the fact that the world outside the home can also be a place.
If you are looking for a place where your child can develop in an atmosphere of safety and trust, check out our private kindergartens Warsaw
AUTHOR:
Joanna Goc-Matyskiel
teacher, Positive Discipline educator, TUS and critical thinking trainer
